Healing from My Asian Childhood Trauma and Writer’s Block

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Writer’s block is something you encounter when you’re a writer. It’s frustrating and frustrating to overcome.

There are many reasons for writer’s block. Trauma is one of them. Unprocessed trauma, such as difficult moments in your childhood, upbringing or past experiences, can play a part in the struggle to write.

Kikki K Notebook. Grow With Kindness (1)

I started writing my first book almost a decade ago. I thought I’d have published it by now. But no. I am still writing it. Writing is my passion. I love writing. But often I find writing so difficult. Embedded deep in the recesses of my mind and unconscious, the expectations of being the Asian model minority eats away at me – making writing impossible.

Writer’s block can be defined as ‘a psychological inhibition preventing a writer from proceeding with a piece’. Conversely, trauma is complex and presents itself in different forms (e.g. physical, psychological). It often arises from distressing events affecting one’s wellbeing and ability to function. Stressful or confusing experiences can inhibit what we love doing, writing no exception.

Author and coach Lauren Sapala writes that unprocessed childhood trauma manifests commonly as procrastination and perfectionism in writers, where either or both conditions ‘feels utterly paralyzing and the writer never finishes…any creative project’. It can be hard to break habits or cultural norms deeply conditioned within you, especially those that don’t align with the writing process.

Trauma and writer’s block

When you’re a writer, a lot of what you write goes unacknowledged and unseen. Writing happens as draft after draft, manuscript after manuscript. Notably, I was brought up in a Chinese family where success and worth was measured in grandiose, tangible achievements. If I didn’t come home top of the class, I was not worthy of being seen. ‘Losing face’, as it is called in Chinese culture. Once in secondary school, my English teacher read out one of my essays to the class as an example. I was chuffed. Felt on top of the world.

It was a proud moment where my writing shone. But it was also a moment that compounded fiery competitiveness within me. High standards in my Asian upbringing were ingrained in me, and not getting an ‘A’ in English class each time brought on disappointment and anxiety. Standing out was the unconscious benchmark in my outlook – but standing out and accolades are quite rare along the typical writer’s journey.

For a long time, I believed I was only a writer if my writing got attention. Competitiveness is a strong motivating factor in increasing attention on tasks at hand. Until today, my lofty standards see me go round in circles researching and rewriting my book, wondering if what I write is credible or ‘good enough’ for the world to read. That’s me aiming for perfection at its finest – at the expense of getting my book done.

Kikki K Notebook. Grow With Kindness (2)

A writer who makes an impact tells convincing and authentic stories. Growing up Chinese, listening to elders is customary as opposed to speaking your opinion. Authority is earned through seniority, and collectiveness is valued. ‘Listen to your dad when he is talking!’ was something I heard over and over at home.

I never felt safe enough to speak up. Except for that one time in primary school where I yelled at my classmate a little too loud to ask for a book that she wouldn’t share…but the English teacher called out my behaviour unacceptable in front of everyone. It was humiliating. Keeping thoughts to myself is a deeply conditioned instinct, something so haunting yet so comfortable. On the contrary, writing is an art involving speaking up to tell stories. 

When I write, it’s always so hard to get words out. I wonder what the first line should be, feeling very nervous as a complete blank crosses my mind. I feel guilty for writing, but also guilty for not honouring my passion for writing. I feel so conflicted and stuck with writing that I procrastinate by walking away.

Writing is also about getting in touch with emotions and weaving them into characters and storylines. Writing demands emotional expression. That is the exact opposite of the tough love in many Asian cultures where displays of vulnerability is seen as a weakness or embarrassingly chaotic. Exactly like how my English teacher told me to pipe down in class for asking my classmate for a book (maybe I really was being too loud). Moreover, studies have shown that those of Asian backgrounds have lowered sensitivity towards decoding emotions, which can result in elevated social anxiety.

The tough love of sweeping aside valid emotions and moving forward with a fortress of seriousness was what I grew up seeing in a Chinese household. I love sitting with emotions but back then there wasn’t a space to do so. And I got so used to this. Sitting down to channel emotions through writing feels alienating, if not time consuming all the time.

Kikki K Notebook. Grow With Kindness (3)

The gravity of shame

There can be a lot of shame that comes with trauma and trauma’s consequences. Research shows ‘shame is a core aftereffect of traumatic experiences’: shame leaves one feeling inadequate and can lead to maladaptive behaviour post-trauma, and understanding shame itself is camouflaged by conditioned experiences and feelings. As discussed in The Role of Shame In Writing, shame from past experiences may lead to internalised personal inferiority, where the writer ‘hold(s) back their writing from others, instead of recognizing their ambition as grandiose…(and) memories may loom when writing in privacy.’

As the voice in my head always says over and over, ‘Where do I deserve to stand as a writer?’

Shame from cultural conditioning is no stranger to me, manifesting as writer’s block and limiting beliefs. Shame that I walked away from what my parents invested in me – and my own time in their investment which in some ways, were very sound. Shame that I felt like walking on eggshells living another’s dreams. Shame that I never knew self-belief to write a book was always within me.

But it’s never too late to start learning or start somewhere. It’s never too late to work through trauma and shame towards creating possibility.

Healing and growing

With learning comes unlearning. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognise your unconscious thoughts and behaviours. It takes much reflection to recognise your trauma and shame. It is uncomfortable unearthing the deepest parts of yourself, unpacking and unlearning your conditioned habits – and in the uncomfortable, that is how you grow.

Finding the origins of trauma can be confronting, and it might surprise you. It was sometime in my twenties that it dawned on me that opportunity lies on the other side of processing trauma. I got into the habit of journaling, writing down goals and then my thoughts and eventually how I felt honestly throughout the years – facing the cycle of familial conditioning. Therapy also helped me link my past to my present problems as a writer. Sometimes talking things objectively with someone helps you connect the dots.

This led me to thinking about my feelings today and my past, like the couple of anecdotes in this post. I realised my eagerness to write had always felt so wrong against my upbringing that demanded seriousness and structure as opposed to actually having fun. My procrastination and perfectionism towards writing comes from unconsciously never having been encouraged to take ownership of what mattered to me and sharing feelings, instead always told to sober up and do the ‘right’ things as a good Asian girl.

This was when I realised how my past played a part in my writer’s block. And I realised if I could journal, I could think and feel vulnerably – and write freely. And I could write a book.

Moving past trauma, and overcoming writer’s block, can be just as challenging as identifying the reasons behind it. Setting a routine and taking small steps to commit to writing is a way to make progress as a writer. Starting my blog was terrifying. But it is my way of putting my writing out there: of listening to myself, speaking up and saying yes to putting my work out there – front and centre with no tangible achievement to stand behind. But this is an achievement in itself.

Magic of I Astrological Planner. Kikki K Notebook

In my journey of healing as a writer, I learned that you don’t have to win to win. I unlearned that accomplishments equal success in writing. Having a mission over hitting every milestone is a lot more meaningful as you seek to make a difference out there. What started out as a space to publish my work, my blog has become some sort of community sharing and uplifting each other’s cultures. That in part defines my mission – to normalise feelings of non-belonging in a culturally complex world.

Letting go of what no longer serves you and being open to new approaches helps in developing as a writer – and finding the fun in writing. That could look like leaving home behind, traveling to unfamiliar places to get inspired. Or letting go of people who trigger your trauma. It’s about stepping into the opposite of shame: knowing you have exactly what it takes to be you, having pride and freedom in your choice to pursue creative passions.

Taking the leap back into academia over the last year and a half has shaped me as a person and the direction of my book – which now has a structure and themes. Exploring Positive Psychology and intercultural communication in graduate school gave me perspective on finding meaning within every single connection and interaction big or small. Doing courses on the art of storytelling thought me the power of connection to share and understand each other. Taking studies in astrology acquainted me with the symbolic language of the skies, discerning cycles within us and the world – and how most of the time, things are connected.

One of the things that came out of the past year was This Is How We Grow, an anthology about learning to understand different viewpoints as part of personal growth. It was an honour to contribute ‘The Winding Road of Writing’ at a time of finding the path forwards with writing my book. You can read more about the publication on contributing editor Yvette Prior’s blog or buy a copy here.

This Is How We Grow: Stories and Poems for Perspective Taking

Despite the frustrations arising from my upbringing, it was one where I saw a typical Chinese family that made the most out of what they had, building a life with so little. This is where my story started, one of learning that hard work and taking action creates endless possibilities. As C.S. Lewis said:

‘You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.’

Overcoming trauma in order to follow your passions take work. Everyone’s trauma and experiences are different. Healing looks different for everyone. Healing may be a journey where you revisit, rework and reconnect with parts of yourself – over and over again.

What challenges have you faced with writing or blogging?

138 thoughts on “Healing from My Asian Childhood Trauma and Writer’s Block”

  1. Congratulations on your contribution to the anthology! It is a powerhouse collection of strong voices indeed!

    Thank you for your honesty & openness in sharing your struggles with trauma & inadequacy. It speaks to many of our dark places and it makes it a little better every time someone is able to shine some light in.

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    • Thank you for your kindness, Ju-Lyn. I think Yvette would be delighted at how you described the anthology, ‘a powerhouse collection of strong voices indeed’. I couldn’t agree more.

      It can be challenging to talk about trauma and feeling inadequate. We all have our dark places and sometimes, we long to find inspiration from others in similar situations. Looking forward to catching up over at yours soon 😊

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  2. Writer’s block is no joke: it strikes at the worst, inopportune times, especially if you (finally!) have the time to write or if you’re on a deadline. I’ve had my fair share of struggling to find words when I’m trying to write a blog post at times…it’s fascinating you also bridge writer’s block with the idea of Asian childhood trauma, and I can definitely see the parallels between the two. Congratulations on the anthology: that’s a step in the right direction in terms of finding your voice and getting to write!

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    • Thanks, Rebecca. I feel that the anthology is quite an achievement for everyone involved. It took a while for it to come together.

      So agree writer’s block is no joke, especially when you finally have time to write and you are in the mood to write. It is interesting, linking writer’s block and childhood experiences. Lots to explore there.

      Your blog posts are so eloquent. Wouldn’t have guessed you get writer’s block, but it happens! Looking forward to visiting yours and catching up, especially with what you have written on Argentina! 😊❤

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  3. Writing is very difficult. Especially to write well. No doubt about it

    It takes as long as it takes, but if you don’t give up progress comes and eventually a work can be finished or at least as finished as it can get…

    Hang in there!

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    • You said it Ray. It is especially difficult to write well. You learn as you write, and progress can be slow. Writing a book especially will take as long as it takes. One day I will publish my book. Hope all is well with you, Ray. Congratulations Visions of Taiwan #2 😊

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  4. Experiencing trauma can be used in your writing. To write about it is also a form of therapy that will allow you to eventually let go of the past.
    I’ve never experienced writer’s block. Perhaps it’s because on walks I never stick in ear buds and listen to music, I just walk. This allows my mind to wander and if I’m in the middle of a manuscript, that’s when I come up with a solution to a problem or the next chapter. At the moment I have two projects that I’m mulling over with nothing written—just research notes. I don’t think of it as writer’s block, I’m just not ready to begin. I need to do more research. I need to figure out why both of my main characters left their birth countries. And those answers haven’t come yet. So what’s the rush if you’ve taken ten years? And don’t worry about your writing being “perfect”. When I’m on my first draft, I just write and it’s rarely good writing. Then I come back when I’m completely finished and begin editing before I share it with my writing group who suggest more edits.

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    • That is so interesting to hear you don’t experience writer’s block, Mallee. That’s amazing. Seems like you know what to do to get in the zone of writing – what works for you really. Research and planning is an important part of the writing process, and sometimes you have to ask yourself many questions about your plot and characters. Perhaps sometimes writing without expectations is a way to get going with writing. Enjoy researching and writing your two projects 😊

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  5. For me, the problem with writing is giving myself a timeline. It makes sense, and yet, life has other ideas in mind. For my first book, I carried it around for about 7 years and then I was so frustrated with myself that I should have gotten it out sooner, that I rushed it – only to go back and make edits after it was already available on Amazon.

    Then I finished my second one, but it’s gone through many drafts and now it’s doing nothing. It’s been almost 10 years from the first to now. But! The “nothing” is good because of family issues that have changed my POV, so now I’m thinking, sitting on it wasn’t so bad. Of course, you know this is memoir, and memoir is damn tough when you’re still evolving, changing, and living life.

    At this point, I’m trying to trust the process. My best advice, based on what you’ve shared, is to just write, and don’t think about whether it works or it’s going to be shared or anything like that. Just write for you and hopefully that will then tell you what the next step will be. xo

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    • I so relate to your problem with writing, ‘giving myself a timeline’. I still remember getting your first book, read it and thought it was amazing! You should be very proud of that achievement (though you went back to edit it!) 😛 On timelines: I think as writers, there’s always tomorrow to write that book, no pressure at all. And so it’s so easy to give ourselves a really relaxed timeline.

      Definitely memoir is hard to write. It is very personal to you, and when it involves others like family and really anyone else, it makes it harder to write. And when life is changing, your perspectives changes as you said – and you probably want to go back and rework that memoir. I have found this to be the case with my book and it frustrates me at times. Where the POV changes, there’s value in both POVs.

      You gave good advice there, ‘trust the process’. I hope you will just write too, and hope to see your writing out there again, Lani. Hope all has been well with you 😊❤

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      • Awww, thanks. I didn’t know you read it! I mean I forgot 😛

        Yeah, timelines are tough because only you are accountable and we often misjudge, or at least I do, and then I feel horrible when things are not going according to an imaginary timeline!

        Yes, I’m thinking of starting a writers group here in order to get feedback and get that kick in the butt that I need because it deserves another run through! xo

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        • I actually still have your first book on my Kindle. And it may be the non-updated version 😄

          You said it: it’s not a timeline but an imaginary timelines that many of us writers have! I hope you find inspiration to finish your book, Lani. You are a great writer ❤

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  6. Yes, writing is difficult and every writer has encountered writer’s block. However, as your personal story shows, humans are complex because so many factors affect us. All our experiences mold us in some way – ALL – family, culture, friends, education, conversations, jobs, events, and more – and all those encounters feed into our complexity – even causing our heads to spin – to question – to wonder – to see the light. Meanwhile, hang in there and keep moving forward. Thanks for sharing, Mabel!

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    • That is such a good point, Frank, that ‘humans are complex because so many factors affect us.’ Everything really does affect us whether we are aware of it or not. In turn these experience shape us how we are receptive in the moments to come. So it can be hard to understand the way we feel or the way we act. Also writing is a difficult art, combining both logic and creativity, intellect and imagination – and a straight mind is needed at times to write well. You write beautifully and I hope you continue your writing and reflections. Lovely to see you again and thanks for stopping by 😊

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      • So many factors effect us – so many – and you touched on some important ones. But the topic is complex. Thanks for the kind praise, Mabel. Personally, I consider myself as an OK writer who emphasizes clarity and information. Surely, I’m not a creative writer in my mind.

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        • The topics of trauma and healing are complex, agree with you, Frank. That is a good approach with your writing, aiming for clarity and information – and you come up with creative topics. It is always a pleasure to visit your blog 😊

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  7. How similar are our cultures. Expecting to get good grades and excelling at everything, not raising a voice…. I guess there are many more.
    Writing is a creative process and at times you can write 200 pages, on another, may be not even one line! Not everyone understands this. This is a reason why a lot of writers prefer a vacation away from everything to keep their creative side on a high.
    Mabel, I love your writing style and enjoy read your posts. They are simple yet the reader can connect easily with you. Keep writing.

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  9. As always a very interesting piece and realy enjoyable read as well, Mabel. It’s not the first time I read about the strong determination of Chinese, or east Asian people in general, of making the best of life by a strong discipline, will and setting high goals. The ‘best of life’ meaning probably wealth, security and respect among the society. What struck me was the (part of) the line: ‘learning that hard work and taking action creates endless possibilities.’ Indeed! Among many other things this is wat I admire greatly in east-Asian people, their abillity to adapt to new territories and to work very hard. In this meaning nobody should look down on writing, because, well, writing is hard work.
    So I think it’s not the amount of work involved as such that can be the problem, it is the goal: being someone, a respected member of society, wealth, status. This specific goal can be felt as restrictive for a playful mind longing to get on wings and explore the unknown. And therefore, unavoidable, getting into the realm of vulnerability. Expressing, of even exposing ones deepest feelings to the world is the essence of vulnerability, and thus of writing. I’m talking of writing fiction here. Non-fiction is quite another matter, although of course one exposes him/herself intellectually, wich can be equally vulnarable.
    One has to dare attack ones own demons, to realise what they are and to call them out loud. Not just to oneself but to the whole world. That is braveness! One also has to make sure these feelings transcend the pure private. One needs some universality. The writer should be on top of the subject and having distance to it at the same time. The writer should laugh and cry and love inside, but not on paper. There it’s the reader’s task. Writing is not easy.
    This reaction is getting to long. I can tell you this, when I had written my novel and had a friend read it and suggesting edits, she said: I would never dare exposing myself in a way like this, so I will never write a novel or even a short story. When I self-published my book it was bought in a very modest way, and actually read by a number of buyers. Some readers liked it, some were critical, some didn’t (alas) respond at all. Of course I would have loved only cheers and the call for more, but in fact… I didn’t realy care that much. Very seldom a novel of an unknown writer is a bestseller. Looking for fame one can very much better start a company in computer science or an university career. The feeling of succes will very likely be not in recognition of the masses but in the sole fact the book excists, and it’s YOUR book, your work, your heart and soul, your love, the thing you wanted to appear for all those years.
    I remember how proud I was when I first held a copy in my hands, and now, seeing it standing on my book shelf I still am happy and proud. But Mabel, your book might very well be a hit! Why not? You are a very accomplished writer. You only need to free the spirit.

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    • What a thoughtful, insightful comment from you, Peter. You make some points that are worth thinking about. Certainly a lot of Chinese and people of East Asian background have a strong discipline, in fact driven by discipline to work for wealth, security, status and many more things in life. And you said it well, that no one should look down on hard work – and at times, it is the goal that can cause problems and confusion. So it’s always worthwhile asking oneself, why are you doing something that you are doing.

      It is interesting you mentioned self-expression through non-fiction. In the draft of this blog post, I wrote a part something like this: that I find writing fiction so much harder as I was used to having a logical mindset and naturally non-fiction writing is more my style. In the end I took this part out because the blog post was becoming too long! But both fiction and non-fiction are important, as is vulnerable expression through both forms of writing.

      Everyone has their demons and shadow sides, which are not easy to confront. Those who dare confront often go on a transformative journey and as you said, realise what they are and one’s ‘feelings transcend the pure private’.

      I can tell by this comment that you are a very good writer, Peter, as much as you are a very good photographer. I would have to check out this book that you self-published – don’t know if it’s still out there, but it sounds interesting. You should be very proud of yourself for putting your writing out there – your work, your thoughts, your efforts. And you have such a grounded definition of success. It is no surprise you have a following on your blog.

      Thank you for your kind words. I will publish my book 😊

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      • Thank you for your kind reaction, Mabel. My novel is written in Dutch, so you might not be able to read it. But I’m happy your book will see the light of live. I’m sure you’ll let us know, and luckely I do read English.

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        • Thank you for letting me know that your novel is written in Dutch. I am sure it is a thoughtful, good book – just like your photography. I hope to publish my book at some point. Definitely will let everyone on the blog know 😊

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  10. Congrats on being part of the anthology Mabel. I appreciate your courage in exploring your trauma and challenges to grow as a person and writer. And thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing. I believe that helps in healing and connecting with others. We all have pain and difficult aspects and discovering they’re shared is very freeing. My biggest writing challenge is boredom with my writing and blogging.

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    • Thank you for your kind words, Brad. I hope by sharing my vulnerability and experiences, it can inspire others on their own journey. You put it very thoughtfully, that ‘discovering they’re shared is very freeing’. It gives the feeling that you are not alone.

      I hope you find inspiration with your writing, Brad. You write very well, both your poetry and anecdotes – always lovely to read. Your writing is very down-to-earth, and resonates with a lot of us. Keep writing 😊

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      • Thank you for the perspective on my writing. I like the idea of my writing being down to earth and relatable. I don’t really aspire to be a writer, but aim to share the journey via words and pics on this blog. I too have found great healing from sharing the journey and understanding that we all share things like simple joys, vulnerability, love, and fear, while longing to belong and have meaning in our lives. May the sharing bring more love and understanding. 🙏

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        • It is really lovely to hear that you have found healing from sharing your journey and understanding we all share simply joys. It is so thoughtful of you, and you express that well through your blog. I hope you continue to share what you share, and inspire love and understanding, Brad 🙏😊

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  11. This is such a wonderful and inspiring post, as is your blog – I am delighted to stumble upon it. Congratulations on being part of the anthology, it’s an amazing achievement worth celebrating. As for writer’s block – it is a familiar obstacle that seems to grow the more I focus on it. I know I must write, so I sit down at my desk, stare at my screen, and will myself to write something. Anything. Still, no words appear. The longer I sit there, frustrated that I am not writing, the more likely it becomes that I will not write at all. The best cure for me is reading as it provides inspiration, motivation, catharsis, or escape, all of which make reading an excellent cure for writer’s block. Thanks for sharing, and have a good day 🙂 Aiva xx

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    • It is such an honour to be a part of the anthology. Thank you for your lovely words, Aiva. It sounds like we have similar experiences of writer’s block. It is great that reading is a source of inspiration and escape from you. Reading often helps you see the bigger picture and what you read can give you topics and ideas to write about. I think when you’re a writer you have to balance both writing and living in the real world (including making time for reading) to get inspiration. Thank you so much for stopping by 😊

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  12. Oh my…. This brought up so many things in my mind…. How we view ourselves out of other peoples opinions of us.. Which overshadow our perception of our true worth… For we are so often put down and carry with us through our childhood such emotions which tell us we are not good enough etc…

    Journaling for me was a godsend… and helped express all of those pent up suppressed emotions..

    I don’t think there are many of us who have not experienced the blank page where we have tons to say… Yet how do we even begin to express what it is we have to say..

    I would say Mabel your writing abilities have always impressed me, for you dive deep into your subjects… And yes, that may mean you wish to impress lol and get those A plus marks… LOL… But it shows me how deeply you think and how also you love to research your subject matter..

    I will let you into a little secret too… I have around 6 chapters of a book that I started to write oh… maybe over 10 years ago…. I do go back to it occasionally too… And we often I feel self sabotage ourselves as those traumatic childhood years of being told you are not good enough surface..

    But my best pieces of writing be it blog posts or poems Mabel have come about when I stop over thinking… When I just sit and write and do not stop to edit… Where it FLOWS…. and when it flows you know you are in touch with that Higher Inner You which writes from the heart..
    And once we write from our hearts… and its true and authentic… I feel people see and feel its from the heart…

    So I would say to anyone with writers block… Just write what your heart tells you to write at that moment… And who knows,, you could be writing a Master Piece…

    Sending you loads of Love from a cold England today Mabel…. Your post however warmed my heart xxx ❤

    Much love to you xx ❤ 💖

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    • his is such a wonderful comment, Sue. Your comment really got me thinking about a number of things. As you know, Mother Nature, our Earth, the cosmos and beyond comprise of cycles – made up of cycles in fact. Where there is a cycle, there is continuity. Think seasons, sunrises, sunsets, tides etc. That is probably why it is so hard to break habits, behavioural patterns, our perceptions of others…all are part of bigger cycles. And for a cycle to break, there is often a lot of pain and destruction at large and within.

      That is incredible you wrote six chapters of a book a while ago and you go back occasionally to it. Some things you write just take time, simmering away until the time is right for it to shine. I am sure what you wrote has a lot of meaning and is of value, if your blog posts are anything to go by.

      It is very kind of you to say that I dive deep into my subjects. So often I feel I barely scratched the surface with what I’ve covered…but I guess that is why I am writing a book. Sometimes I think and feel so deep, it can be hard to find the right words to express it all. There is so much to say about the subject, from what is on the surface level to the more invisible, higher energies at work.

      Agreed that the best pieces of writing is when you stop overthinking and just go with the flow. Trust yourself and trust the process, surrender to possibilities and heart – which is probably when you will do your best work. I don’t know if I am writing a Master Piece… Then again, I do like to dream and believe, so who knows… Hope all is well over there, Sue. Wishing you a wonderful end to the year and many hugs across the miles 😊❤

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  13. Aloha Mabel! I have been away from WP for awhile now. Glad you were the second person in my Reader! I have much catching up to do.
    Well, dear one, we all have our demons and our – yes – traumas. Birth provides each of us with our first trauma, but expanding on that is for another time. On another note, kids in the US seem to collectively disregard anyone over fifty, as if they have little to offer. It is a very youth-focused and immature culture. And where I think listening to one’s elders could really be helpful, the mandatory requirement of doing so is Not. Soul crushing, I would imagine. And yet, after all the affirmations I showered (deservedly) onto my girls, they have still, in the end, chosen to largely disregard me. (And I am certainly not alone.) I often wonder if respecting one’s elders had been inculcated in them, would they be in a different head space, in these times? As a single parent, did I overprotect them? Help them too much, so once they hit the big wide world, they felt unprepared? I let them be a big part of their own life’s decisions as soon as they seemed ready and able – both were in their teens. Was that wrong? (Of course anyone in a controlling family would say NO! But then again, is there any one Right way?) In short, I think each of us has a soul path, and whatever circumstances we were born into were meant for optimal soul growth. Whether we embrace or reject life on its own terms is up to each of us.
    As for writing and forgotten books, I have more than one sitting on this very laptop! And yet I have never been attached to being a published writer. Thus, I have been published a few times, but it never would have provided me a good living as a writer, for I have never been willing to compromise and write what another wanted me to. And my tastes are so varied! Focusing on any one thing long enough to write a sizeable book seems impossible at times. So I admire anyone who has this gift. And I am at peace with who I am.
    And so I wish you all the best – I have every faith in your exceptional writing, Mabel. No doubt as soon as you decide to do something and take it to its conclusion, you will succeed!
    Love and all best wishes,
    Bela

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    • A very insightful, thought-provoking comment from you, Bela. I really enjoyed reading it and you gave a lot of food for thought. I hope you had a good break from WP

      Certainly each of us have our traumas – demons, shadow side, flaws, you name it. Agreed that birth can arguably be a first trauma in so many ways and affecting oneself and others…but really as you said, a whole other topic for another day. It is fascinating how society places an emphasis on the need to achieve, and the degree of that is vastly different across different parts of the world. Those are some good questions you ask yourself about raising your girls. I think at the end of the day, each of us has a choice on our paths in lives, and the least we can do for those around us – be it family, friends, the stranger over there – is support them wher they need it and wish them well. The ‘right’ way may suit you but it may not suit someone else. As you mentioned, we are all probably each on a different soul path to learn out most important lessons, and find our deepest development and fulfillment in this lifetime.

      That is a very level-headed take you have with your writing. Maybe that book sitting on your laptop will see the light of day some day. It’s amazing you write for the love of it, not attached to (the idea of) being a published writer. For me, I am on the fence about being a published writer. On one hand, these days I don’t feel the pressure as much to publish but at the same time, publication is a way for me to work at my mission and passions. Bit of balance there need to be found – and then see where this takes me.

      Thank you for your kind words, Bela. I hope this season will treat you well. May you find enjoyment in your writing and exploring where you are. Hugs across the miles 😊❤

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  15. I hear you on the paralyzing nature of perfectionism. I’m not Asian, but I grew up with many siblings and very high parental expectations. We were expected to excel and we were noticed and validated when we did. Failure was not an option. And yet failure teaches us, if we’re not so shamed we can’t learn from it.

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  16. Beautiful, hearfelt post, Mabel. Wish I could give you a hug. Just as I started a sequel to my novel and got to Chapter Six, an emotional issue came up for me. I’m stuck now. But, I’m talking to someone to get the issues worked out. I hope you have someone you trust to talk to who allows you to acknowledge and feel emotions so they can eventually be released. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Hugs from the other side of earth.

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    • I wish I could give you a hug too, Lori. That is great you are working on the sequel to your novel. It sounds tough and glad you are talking to someone to work some emotional issues out. Sometimes these things take time – and are better addressed. Good on you for doing so. For me, I find both talking to someone and journaling – writing it all out – is helpful in working these things out. Hugs across the miles ❤

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  17. Writing really can be difficult sometimes. We get “in the zone” and then POOF we’re out of it for days at a time, not motivated, not finding the right words… or any words at all sometimes. You gave us a great heart-to-heart here as readers, and I know you’ll finish that book. In the meantime, congrats on being part of the new anthology! How exciting 🙌🥳

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    • You describe writer’s block so well. One day you are in the zone, and the next thing you know you are out of it with no idea when you will enjoy writing again. The writing muse can be very fickle. It is wonderful being a part of the anthology. I definitely think I will finish writing my book at some point. Thank you for your lovely words and encouragement, Christy 😊❤

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  18. This is so relatable! In my culture, elders rule too. Seniority dictates if you’re right or wrong, and you shouldn’t contradict your elders. But recently, things began to change. Little by little.

    And what you said about writing, yes, it can be difficult, especially when you’re dealing with both perfectionism and reverse procrastination. 😭

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  19. I sympathise, hon, and think that I’ve followed your ‘journey’ and the obstacles for some time. What is good writing and who is the judge? I think that Nanoprimo in November was set up to overcome some of the issues? I’ve never taken part but the idea seems to be simply to write whatever is in your head and work with it afterwards. Essentially isn’t that what you’ve been doing, over time? And trying to understand yourself and your place in the world. That’s a big one, Mabel, and it seems to me you’re working hard at that. Go easy on yourself and find a little fun in life. Maybe easier said than done.

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  20. Another insightful post, Mabel. My heart hurts for you but I also see you are a strong writer with an important message. You’ve given an interesting explanation for Writer’s block. I had not realized past trauma could contribute to being ‘stuck’ but it makes complete sense.

    I think being a ‘writer’ is the most misunderstood kind of work. Unless you’re a NY Times bestselling author, your worth is questioned. Some people do not understand the work that goes into a single blog post let alone a whole book. I am rooting for you to finish that book and I will look forward to reading it.

    Congratulations on getting your piece published in the anthology! It sounds amazing.

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    • Trauma can be really complex, and processing it and healing is a very individual journey. Sometimes the simplest habits could contribute to being ‘stuck’, just like how hoarding and clutter could be a result of past experiences.

      You make such a good point there, that ‘Unless you’re a NY Times bestselling author, your worth is questioned.’ I really felt that. You should be very proud of yourself Lisa for publishing books over there years, and for drawing on your experiences to blog about things so inspirational. Thank you for your kind words and keep writing 😊❤

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  21. loved reading your post.
    That is what I think of it
    Great article! It’s inspiring to see how you have faced and overcome the challenges of writer’s block and trauma. Your journey of healing and unlearning is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to pursue our passions and create possibilities. Keep up the amazing work! Great article! It’s inspiring to see how you have faced and overcome the challenges of writer’s block and trauma. Your journey of healing and unlearning is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to pursue our passions and create possibilities. Keep up the amazing work!
    Ely Shemer

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  22. writer’s block isn’t the problem for me. I have a problem living with bad or imperfect writing. the best way for me to deal with it is to write, and to realize that my bad writing isn’t fatal.

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    • That is interesting to hear, Cookie. Good that you keep writing on. Sometimes the more you write, the more you get in the zone of writing and as you said, realise ‘bad’ writing isn’t really all that bad.

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  23. Hi Mabel,
    I am sorry to read about the trauma in your life and how it’s affected your writing.
    Growing up with the expectations of Asian parents can be harrowing. It’s not just limited to academic efforts as you know. My mother was always encouraging me to meet a nice Chinese girl. As a result all of my personal relationships have been with women of European ancestry.
    One of the advantages of blogging about food is the never ending need to eat. 😊 I always have something to write about.

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    • You bring up a very good point, that expectations of Asian parents are not just limited to academic efforts – extends through to all areas of life. Like your parents, mine also encouraged me to meet Chinese people, including making friends with Chinese people. Over the years as my circle diversified with people from different backgrounds, I learned to see the world and values differently.

      I love your food blog, Gaz. Great focus and great content. We all need to eat to nourish ourselves, and part of the fun is to come up with tasty cooking. I hope you keep writing and blogging about food 😊

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  24. Hi Mabel. Your thoughts on trauma and how it can affect our writing muse are bang on. Much of what you share I can identify with. I’ve had my share of writer’s block, but as a newcomer to anxiety and trauma after caring for and ultimately, losing my husband, it feels like along with all that, my concentration is so interrupted that most I can muster is one post a week and a book review. Trauma affects everyone differently, just as grief is individual and unique to every person who has lost a loved one. It’s hard to imagine unless we wear ‘the shoes’.
    Thanks for sharing your personal and thoughts with us. You are very empowering and inspirational. And I am looking forward to reading the paperback of the anthology with you and so many more talented writers. Hugs. ❤ xx

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    • It is great that you made the effort to write through grief after losing your husband. It can be difficult to get going, especially if trauma stems from losing someone or hits an emotional core. Sometimes even doing the smallest creative thing is a big thing. Trauma is such a complex thing, and I think our relationship with it evolves over time. And everyone experiences trauma and healing differently.

      Thank you for your lovely words, Debby. You are very kind. I hope you enjoy reading the anthology. Many inspiring stories. Wishing you well for the season ahead, and hugs across the miles 😊❤

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      • Hi again. I see you had trouble commenting as you replied twice. I appreciate that. And yes, trauma is individual. And we need our brains and concentration to write. It’s sometimes difficult to create when our minds don’t want to be in the game. Hugs received and sending back to you along the miles. ❤ xx

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        • I am sorry to hear you had trouble commenting, Debby. I really looks like I replied once. Maybe some WP gremlins. As I’ve discovered after a blogging break, the comments section on each blog looks different now 😄

          You said it, ‘trauma is individual’. Definitely can be hard when we are not motivated at all to write, and motivation and passion is often not something that can be forced. I hope you take writing day by day. You blog so consistently. Wishing you well ❤

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          • Thank you again Mabel. Yes, comments are wild and different on every blog it seems. On most where I can’t comment, it tells me I’m logged in, but when I write a comment, it tells me I’m not. The glitches on WP are ridiculous already for so many of us. Thanks again. Hugs ❤

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  25. You hit a sore spot with readers, Mabel. I might be the rare writer who never suffers writer’s block. I struggle to say what I mean at times, but that’s different. I can’t think of any childhood trauma though we didn’t have much money, less friends, but somehow, I barely noticed. Your reader comments are almost as interesting as your post!

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    • You make a good point there, that struggle to say what you mean is different from writer’s block. Completely agree with that. Sometimes when I think I’ve gotten over writer’s block, I struggle to articulate what I want to say!

      It is great you don’t have writer’s block. Keep writing, Jacqui. You write brilliantly and your blog is a joy to read 😊

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  26. For sure, I share with you Mabel, on the writing Muse and other urges to be creative, despite what other people may think or expect. I admire anyone who can write a novel or short stories. I can’t do either. So I content myself with blogging. 😀 It’s just perfect for me since there is a visual composition element for the photos I shoot, select and arrange to complement the story. My “block” on blogging has been my partner’s death 2 yrs. ago. So have been getting back into it slowly.

    Though all my 5 siblings went the STEM route in their university degrees, I wasn’t jealous. I just knew I had a tougher time to convince my father the value of my English lit. degree. Anyway here’s some intriguing facts that have evolved from my extended family in past few years: a) eldest niece is a rom-com novel writer. She did her degree in geotechnical engineering and did work in the sector for a few yrs. before leaving it. https://jackielaubooks.com/

    b) My sibs and I just learned this year that my father wrote (probably) a love story as young man living in Canada after he immigrated to Canada. It’s all in handwritten in Chinese –180 pg. long. He died a few years ago. We haven’t gotten anything translated yet.

    THIs is the same father who didn’t quite see the value of my poetry writing and doing art when I was a teen. He meant well, to go into a discipline that was a job oriented..well, I did. Hence my library degree which I’ve had an incredible career in a variety interesting industry sectors.

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    • I really enjoyed reading your perspective on writing, Jean. You remind all of us that there are different forms of writing. Some writer’s (and people in general) write short stories, others write books and then there are those who blog. And fantastic that you content yourself with blogging and it works for you as a creative outlet. You do a great job of compiling your photos to go with your words, and many of us are able to enjoy seeing your part of the world. I am sorry to hear your partner passed way. I remember reading about the adventures, travels and cycling the two of you did on your blog. Take all the time you need to get back to blogging.

      That is wonderful your eldest niece is a rom-com novel writer. Thank you for sharing her work. Amazing that she is the author of over 20 books, a lot of writing and passion right there. Maybe your father had a creative, artistic side. At the end of the day, I think many Asia parents (at least before my generation) want their children to know the value of hard work and have options. Having an education in a respected discipline gives you options and helps you set you up for the future where you may be free to explore your passions and see where that takes you.

      Hope you are doing well, Jean. Wishing you a wonderful end of the year 😊❤

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  27. Finding coherence is my biggest challenge when writing a post. It usually took me a lot of time to link fragments of information together. If I could complete the introduction, I can write the post. Because of this “block”, I have 90 or more drafts 🙂
    Congratulations on your work! You are one step closer to your first book.

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  28. Sounds like you are making good progress Mabel – not only with your writing but also with your self-analysis and personal growth. Hopefully you’re learning not to be so hard on yourself! Best wishes for continued progress in the New Year.

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    • You summed it up very well, Tina. I think there has been much progress with writing and personal growth. It has been quite a journey, and I am excited to see where it leads. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead 😊❤

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  30. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and honestly about your experiences of trauma and shame. I resonate with how writing can be a powerful tool for expressing and releasing and understanding our emotions. The relationship between race, ethnicity, and trauma can be so complicated and I’ve enjoyed so many of the books I’ve read that acknowledge the ways white supremacy and oppression can fuel racial and intergenerational trauma as well, like Evil Eye by Etaf Rum and Sign, Gone by Phuc Tran.

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    • So agree with you that writing can be a powerful tool for expressing, releasing and understanding emotions. Emotions can be so complex, just like how the concepts of race, ethnicity and cultures are more complex than they seem. Thank you for sharing some of those books. I hope you are doing well and wishing you a wonderful year ahead 😊

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  31. “Growing up Chinese, listening to elders is customary as opposed to speaking your opinion…” This line is something I can empathize with you so well. Not because I have lived it but because I see it and have discussions with many friends about it. Perhaps most notably, was with my “niece” here in Hong Kong and her parents who are great friends of mine. She had expectations placed on her from day one, and it was part of my goal & role in life with her to give her the opposite feedback – be creative and strong with what makes you happy and pursue it. Of course, I had to do it subtly because many toes could be stepped on. Fortunately, her parents also agreed with this thought, and it was a bit stunning to see how it caused such a ruckus throughout the “family tree.” The idea was that she was turning her back on her culture and Chinese tradition. Wow… the hurdles from such a deep/rich culture can be stressful and confusing. And I can see how it is also inhibiting.

    Through your writing, I can see where you have found a voice and created something brilliantly on your own… but your history/culture is such that it can pull you away from this creative process. “… my lofty standards see me go round in circles researching and rewriting my book, wondering if what I write is credible or ‘good enough’ for the world to read. That’s me aiming for perfection at its finest – at the expense of getting my book done.” Emotions are a vital part of the creative process – the memories and ingrained culture that flows within you, a part of you, can also dampen the spark of emotion needed to create and write, which is also a part of you.

    I think your strength is the ability to understand (and become frustrated) by this dichotomy you have living inside, to a point where itself creates such a powerful wave of emotion that you end up saying, ‘WTF’ and move into a realm where you tap into something beyond… and creativity flows. I love how you write, “With learning comes unlearning…” because understanding this is the spark you have embraced. Make something your own by taking your discomfort and frustrations and using these feelings to feed your creative side. Haven’t we had such discussions about this before :-)! “The beauty of growth” can easily be rewritten as the “difficulties of growth” :-). 2024 will be an incredible year for you, Mabel, and I am excited to see where it will take you, my friend. Wishing you the very best ❤️.

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    • Such insightful thoughts from you as usual, Randall. I really enjoyed reading your musings. Thank you for sharing about your niece and connections. It is a delicate balance between sticking to your roots and breaking free experimenting with the person whom you are becoming. Traditions and family commitments can be very important in some cultures – and rightfully so since these often come with important lessons and values. On the other hand, agreed this can be inhibiting and some of us are meant to pursue other paths to feel a sense of fulfillment.

      Feeling your emotions are certainly a part of the creative process. It is what makes the stories feel more real. I can sense that in your work too, in each of your photographs and your words where you let us into your perspective and world. It’s never easy being vulnerable with yourself first, and then vulnerable in front of the world. But it often translates to authenticity in creativity and captivates others.

      With unlearning, I’ve come to see that polarity is a big part of our lives. The mundane inspires creativity, and creativity inspires us to move through the mundane for instance. For me, my story inspires me and in turn my purpose with writing inspires me to make time for what needs to be done (and what I want to do) in the world. And in the end, with writing and anything creative, ‘WTF’ really gives another dose of inspiration and maybe the push we need to take the next step. You are very kind with your words, Randall. I hope you are well, and take care. I will come by your latest post. Take care 😊❤

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      • A couple of evenings ago, I had a nice dinner on Chinese New Year’s Eve with my niece and her mom – and we talked about this very thing: “Traditions and family commitments can be very important in some cultures…” I’ve never thought about this too much, as my parents were first-generation Americans, and with this is a family culture based on what can be created and forged in the future, and little is thought about the past (except for the wisdom gained from our elders/ancestors). While I believe having such restrictions that make up many Chinese/Asian families would drive me crazy – I am also completely sold on how such strong family ties can help balance out the chaos the world throws out without remorse. Strong family relationships and commitments assist in finding and building an authentic self; they serve as a great anchor for authenticity.

        I hope you are having an excellent start to the Year of the Dragon ~ may it be a healthy one with many creative sparks 🙂 新年快乐，龙年吉祥！🐉 🐲

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        • It sounds like a lovely dinner you had with your niece and her mom, Randall. And interesting conversation too. That is a good point on strong family ties. Traditions make you feel a part of something, and connected to others who share in the same beliefs and practices. Family relationships, especially the strong ones, offre much grounding and perspective in such a chaotic world – and you can then reflect on what authenticity means to you.

          Wishing you a wonderful start to the new year. Happy Year of the Dragon to you, Randall 😊

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  33. Thank you so much for sharing from your heart, Mabel. I also really appreciate you sharing honestly. Also about your Asian background. With how it really plays a part. This would be such a huge thing to share. What you shared “the culture where displays of vulnerability is seen as a weakness or embarrassingly chaotic”, really would make it difficult to express yourself.

    I admire you for how you push through that. I truly believe that good writing comes from emotional honesty. Which makes you an incredible writer, Mabel. I myself grew up in a family that never talked about deep feelings. Which made it hard for me growing up after my dad died when I was 15. Always put on a brave face, but was really hurting inside. It took me decades to start a blog and start writing from my heart. I always felt so vulnerable.

    To add to your question, “What challenges have you faced with writing or blogging”, I find that as I write more and more about the environment and the future of our planet (which is very important to me) I struggle because I’m not an expert. I’m not a scientist. I don’t have multiple degrees in sciences. Even though I will do a ton of research, I have a lack of confidence that readers will take me seriously that I know what I am talking about. Because of a lack of degrees. I have trashed a few of these type of articles, to the point of for every one published, I will trash approximately two. Eight are currently in draft. They may end up continuing be edited until I’m happy and publish some. Or I might have a bad day and sadly trash them. Yes, a few I have published here on the blog. But they take such a long time to write, as I keep editing them again and again and again.

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    • What a thoughtful comment from you, Carl. I really enjoy reading your insights. I am sorry to hear that you grew up in an environment where deep feelings were not encouraged to be expressed. It sounds like you have been on a journey over the years to recognise how you feel and share your true emotions. You express yourself so well through your blog, telling us about your running and interests about the environment. I think there comes to a point in each of our lives where we care less and less of what others think of us. You probably then go and do what you want to do regardless of the naysayers, being more aware of how you feel.

      You make an excellent point when you say that you are not an expert, not a scientist on the environment. It made me think of how I am not an expert at reading human behaviours and mindset, and I don’t have a psychology degree or any formal certification. Like you, I do question what I write and put out there on the blog for the world, asking myself is this valid, what will people think. Your blog posts are incredibly informative – not just you generously letting us in to your running life but bringing awareness to our environment. You quote from a variety of current sources and reflect on the objectively, as well as providing ideas on how we can move forward together sustainability. It is brave of you to admit you trash some posts and rework. It goes to show you really care about what you write about and the reader too.

      I look forward to reading you again. Thank you so much for sharing. Hope all is well, Carl 😊

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      • You are always so kind and supportive, Mabel. Thank you so much for such kind words. I would echo it back to yourself about yourself reading and writing about human behaviors. I really appreciate all your honesty and vulnerability, as you share being of Chinese descent and living in a Western country where there can be a lot of racism. Your insights have been extremely helpful to me.
        Over Christmas and New Years I was in New Zealand for my daughters wedding. It was the 3rd attempt, having been postponed twice because of COVID. I got to know my new son-in-law Ryland better, who is Chinese. He is a really wonderful man. Extremely caring and generous. He does find a lot of racism in New Zealand, and actually ended up moving away from Christchurch because of it. Christchurch is said to be the most British city outside of Great Britain.

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        • Thank you very much for your kind words, Carl. And time, too. I really appreciate you reflecting and reading. I am sorry to hear that your son-in-law moved because of racism. I hope things are better for him in New Zealand now. Fantastic you go to visit New Zealand over the holidays and to attend your daughter’s wedding. It sounded like you had a good time with your family, and I hope you get to visit again 🙂

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  34. I am very familiar with the expression “losing the face”. It means the same in my Italian culture when people live and behave outside the conventional parameters the society dictates. I understand that slavishly following the rules of family and society is very hard and requires diligence, but here in the Western world we think that perfection can never be reached thus we try to do our best as much as possible. As far as writer’s block is concerned, I think the best is to think of being in the presence of an interlocutor, a kind of friend to whom you tell the things you want to write, without any fear of lying, not being courteous or complying. Be yourself, let your voice be heard.

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    • That is so interesting to hear that ‘losing the face’ is something you resonate with in Italian culture. Perfection is very hard to achieve, yet society encourages us to do so and follow the rules. Sometimes I think it’s about trusting the path you are meant to be on and build resistance against those who don’t agree with you, while keeping an open perspective. That is a great idea, having an interlocutor as you write or being creative. That could be anyone – writer or not – just someone who is ready to be honest, objective and willing to listen. Wishing you well, Valentina. May the creative must find you and keep being creative 😊

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  35. I needed this post, Mabel. I’ve recently been having a creative block, it happens a lot when I’m feeling low and you accurately described on how it’s linked with past trauma and wounded inner child. I too didn’t have a supportive family, Mom passed when I was 11 and Dad didn’t (see me) as a better way to put it. So I just felt like an outcast. It’s been a journey of (highs and lows) healing my inner child and past trauma. The more I heal the better my creative and writing becomes. We hold onto the old narrative of who we are, and that stagnates out growth as creative beings. We are limitless and full of potential even when we feel unequipped! Thanks for sharing, am glad I found you, I’ll be checking your old post, they deeply resonate.

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  36. I feel as though we are spending our adult lives unlearning the things we were taught as a kid and (re)defining the world around us. Ironically, the things we were taught as a kid was supposed to be the thing that helped define our world. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “unlearning” — I believe we are learning through life. It helps recognize nuance and creates resilience. Then some are absolute and steadfast on the things they learned and believed as a kid, they are left in disarray when the world wasn’t what they thought it was.

    Anyway, around writer’s block, there was an interesting practice to do morning pages where you write three pages every morning. The nice thing about doing morning pages is that the style is no structure (https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/). I believe it helps with writing openly. In the early days of my mourning, I wrote every day in a small notebook. It was only a page each day. I felt it helped me lean into the worst parts of my grief when people wanted to fix me (i.e. be happy, don’t say that).

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    • I agree with your sentiments there on unlearning throughout life. Someone’s perception of life is their perception and experience, not necessarily yours. It can be hard to break away from what you believed so strongly in a kid. Some of us who are more adaptable may find it easier though. But for a lot of us, I think we feel so unsure on our beliefs moving forward. It is something that becomes more clear over time.

      Thanks for sharing Morning Pages. Wonderful to hear that it has helped you processed grief, a time for you to be alone with your thoughts, write it out as it comes and reflect on them. Thanks for stopping by, Julie 😊

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