Family is a complex thing. Our concept of family is shaped by many factors such as our cultural background, personalities and experiences. In particular, family values tend to be very different in Eastern and Western cultures.

Having my family and close friends across Asia and Australia, diverse dynamics are enriching yet also chaotic in my life. Sometimes I resonate with my Chinese family values, other times western values resonate with me more.

Family is traditionally defined as people and relationships that are related biologically or by heritage. That could look like you, your parents, siblings and relatives, and you, your children and grandkids. A family structure is a kinship unit, though its members may or may not live in the same household and there are different degrees of immediate family depending on cultural orientation. As a family, you may share traditions, beliefs or practices.

These days the idea of family is more fluid: those whom you feel the most comfortable around and have shared experiences, regardless of someone’s origin or story. Think cross-cultural families, adoptive families and people in general who you understand you. At the outset, being around family is when you feel care, security and love among one other.

No matter how traditional or contemporary, each family structure or unit is supported by distinct cultural values. Your values are the fundamental beliefs that govern your life, often formed during childhood around family members and further shaped by your experiences throughout life. Here are some differences between typical family values in Chinese and Australian cultures.

Living under one roof

Communal living arrangements is common in many conservative Chinese families. In Anglo-Australian culture, having one’s own space at home is valued. Coming from a Chinese family, chances are at some point you experienced living under the same roof with your grandparents or extended family. That is, different generations living under one roof in close quarters because most of the time, that is what the family can afford collectively. Or not moving out until you get married.

Growing up in Malaysia in the 90s, I shared the same bed with my mother and brother when we lived in a two-bedroom house with my grandparents. We each had set times to shower each day so everyone could have bathroom time. Everyone in my family had the bare necessities for survival, at the expense of any personal preferences for relaxation and routine.

When my family moved to Australia, we lived in a big house with a big backyard. That was part of the typical white-Aussie family environment: living in a spacious house instead of an apartment, apartment living being more common across Asia. Having a backyard to run around, entertaining outdoors and landscaping a garden. Moving out when you finished high school or university is the norm. Taking pride in your own individual space at home and defining your individual identity is something more apparent in Anglo-Australian families.

Orientation and hierarchies

Patriarchy tends to be important in traditional-minded Chinese households. The father and male offspring usually take on prominent roles in the family. Such gender order is rooted in early Confusion ideals which regard men as dominant and responsible, and women deemed subordinate and submissive. Although these days women are more vocal and educated, Chinese women continue to have restricted roles within the family.

I grew up watching the women in my family and extended family become full-time housewives sooner or later. I watched my dad dictate where we sat at the table when we dined out at Chinese restaurants and instructed my mum to wipe the cutlery. I watched my dad give instructions on cooking in the kitchen to my mum. It never entirely made sense to me. Although nurturing children is an incredibly important role, at times such a role comes with the label of ‘weak’ and ‘softer’ responsibilities.

The patriarchal family system has dominated the Western world for a long time and still does. This is the case in Australia but generally there is more flexibility between gender roles within family structures here. Women in Australia generally have less subordinate roles in the family – working as they raise a family and sending children off to childcare.

Well-being

In addition, filial piety is a virtue in many Chinese families. Showing respect and caring for elderly Chinese parents is esteemed, a marker of compassion and adding value towards your family lineage. Naturally, filial piety encourages selfless relationships, devotion and a sense of belonging in your family. But when familial responsibility hinders your personal choice of direction and ability to judge in life, it becomes a moral dilemma.

On the other hand, independence tends to be valued in Anglo-Australian families. You move out when you can, and get a job to support yourself when you are still in school or university. Having elderly parents cared for in a nursing home is an option in Australia whereas in typical Asian communities, it is a shame to talk about such an idea.

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No family structure is perfect, just as there is no perfect way to parent or mother or nurture. Some of us come from loving and supportive families, some of us come from families strict on certain beliefs and some of us come from families that we rather not associate with. More often than not, your circumstances and individual personality have a big impact on how you experience your family relations, dynamics and conditioned values, and the families you raise and nurture.

Coming from a typical Chinese family can be hard, especially when you juggle different cultural identities living in the Western world. Sometimes it really is, feeling the pressure to live up to expectations like the generations before you did. And it is when you seek out the alternative that you feel your authentic self.

My experience in an Asian family in Australia is a privilege. A family steeped in Chinese values from which taught an appreciation for others and what I’ve got. But my rebel streak led me towards different paths outside of my family and reshaped my worldview. These days, being a part of something collective and walking my own path are both equally important in what I seek in this idea of ‘family’. Family is about being there for others when it matters, as much as it is about being accepted for who you are.

Also, in a sense family is about balancing out each other. After all, holding on to longevity of legacy and responsibility doesn’t always encourage growth within you or your family. And prioritising one’s space and individuality doesn’t always offer the grounding that you need to stand together collectively. One set of values won’t be what you’ll always resonate with and look for in family.

Your definition and experience of family often changes over time. Think of ‘family’ and it may bring up emotional tensions and uncomfortable feelings, or nostalgic moments. Often such polarities co-exist – fights alongside celebrations as no family is perfect.

Over time maybe you feel closer to the family that you grew up with, negotiating your personal differences with traditional family values. Or maybe you drift from them, branch out from generational dysfunction and find your chosen family – others who show up and seek to understand you. Friends and strangers can become family, just as a sense of belonging can come unexpectedly from the most surprising communities. As Epicurus wrote:

‘It is not so much our friend’s help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.’

For the Greek philosopher, even though you may be self-sufficient in pursuit of simple pleasures or a sanctuary like The Garden, friends are essential in order to feel fulfilled and supported. In other words, committed companionship from a place of authenticity speaks volumes to the depths of your soul, maybe a great deal more meaningful than falling back on long-standing family ties out of obligation. People feel like family when they show up, and more importantly when they notice and remember a part of you.

Generally speaking, family is an extension of the world that you are a part of. Your family is a microcosm of larger society, ‘a reflecting mirror for society, showing in microcosm the customs, institutions and values of that larger society’. Often your immediate biological family and the values within it are tied to wider social structures – and you flow with or resist these structures as a family or as an individual. Each family, as is each individual, is part of a greater macrocosm be it the universe or cosmos or this continuum which we find ourselves in.

The story of my Chinese family is unique yet also similar to many other immigrant Chinese families in Australia. Collectively our family stories speak of moving places to build a better and more fulfilling life in an ever increasingly borderless age. Among such families there tends to be a longing to be whole with wherever spaces they have settled – which can be a struggle against your values that you’ve always known. It is easy for me to say that I am from a Chinese family. But it is also equally not easy for me to say that I am from a Chinese family. Chinese values are important to me, as are other values and alongside trusting in the language of the skies and stars. Letting go of what you’ve been brought up with, including confronting and shedding emotional baggage from family trauma, can be difficult.

Life, death and rebirth in their literal and symbolic forms are entwined within family cycles. Some values remain part of your family, some of your values change as you move forward.

Family is difficult, and family is love. Different families support you in different ways and in different areas of your life.

The family that sticks around may be unexpected and even a bit of trouble. But they may be the ones who show up with unconditional love.

What does family mean to you? Who are family to you?