Dining Etiquette: Why Do Some Asians Fight To Pay The Bill?

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Fighting over paying the bill for meals is something some of us are guilty of. If we’re the stereotypical Asian eating with other stereotypical Asians, coming out on tops to pay for a meal is often a big battle, sort of a sport in itself.

This is the case with my Chinese family. When I was a kid living in Malaysia, we had countless family gatherings with extended relatives. We’d have dinner at air-conditioned Chinese restaurants where waiters gave us clean plates after each serving. These nights always ended with lots of yelling, relatives arguing at the top of their lungs as to who would pay for the ten-course meals in cash.

Many of us like to be greedy and eat a whole pizza. Just like how some of us clamour to pay for entire meals | Weekly Photo Challenge: Life Imitates Art

Many of us like to be greedy and eat entire pizzas. Just like how some of us clamour to pay for entire meals | Weekly Photo Challenge: Life Imitates Art.

In Chinese culture (and other Asian cultures), offering to pay the bill at the end of a meal out is regarded as polite. This goes for family and business-related dining affairs, and no matter the occasion, bill fights are usually amusing.

Sometimes it’s a pride and face thing that drives the stereotypical Asian to insist on picking up the dining tab. Money is a marker of success along the traditional Chinese train of thought: the more one can afford to spend, the more one can impress. Paying for a meal, the typical Chinese person flaunts their privileged status, coming across as “looking good” and worthy.

This includes my parents. Whilst in Malaysia, once around Christmas my grandparents organised a banquet with a private room at a Chinese restaurant for twenty or so in the family. Naturally as the organisers, they had no qualms footing the bill. As the last dishes of sweet peanut soup and sesame balls were served, my mum walked out the door with a thick envelope. Everyone assumed she was going to the bathroom. When my grandmother went to get the bill, my parents yelled in Cantonese, “Our treat!”

Consequently, some of us of Asian heritage might fight for the bill because we fancy one-upmanship but more importantly, gifting. The opportunity to pay the restaurant bill is a means to leverage connections, a means to remember a relationship.

Just as we may find it hard to pull a pizza apart, we may find it hard to get our hands on the bill.

Just as we may find it hard to pull a pizza apart, we may find it hard to get our hands on the bill.

Historically in Chinese culture, gift giving is an act that allows one to show enthusiasm towards maintaining ties. During the Tang Dynasty, scholars who visited emperors offered the latter rare treasures as a sign of friendship. Confucian thought encourages giving with compassion, encourages individuals to seek out opportunities to give as a mark of respect to heaven and earth. There have been times when my parents organised family dinners and when it came time to get the bill, my relatives laughed in their faces, saying it had been paid. A case of I scratch your back, you scratch mine in terms of spontaneously gifting one a meal.

Sometimes the older, baby-boomer Asian generation wrestles to grab the bill because they feel a duty to provide and pay for food, making sure others have enough to eat. In Chinese culture, the hierarchical family structure sees elders and breadwinners receiving the largest degree of reverence, the ones who can afford to support everyone else. Getting the bill then is an act of love and sacrifice; money is often painstakingly earned, and so then is putting food on the table.

Different people are expected to pick up the dining tab during different occasions. For some birthdays, it’s customary for the birthday person to pay for food, entertainment and cake while the guests bring gifts. When it comes to (heterosexual) dating in Asia, the guy is expected to pay for everything, from the food to fun – which I personally think is nice.

Some of us might go to shady lengths to pay the bill. Just like discretely nicking that last slice of pizza.

Some of us might go to shady lengths to pay the bill. Just like discretely nicking that last slice of pizza.

Losing the bill battle isn’t all embarrassment in front of the typical Asian crowd. Post-fight, there tends to be pats on the backs and a mutual agreement that at least everyone tried. Throughout this camaraderic moment, even the winner swallows their pride. As writer Khalil Gibran said on having good faith:

“Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.”

These days attitudes are changing towards paying the bill among the younger generation Asians, at least in Australia. A survey in 2014 shows 27% of Australians find it acceptable to split the bill when their dining companions have spent more than them. Going Dutch, splitting the bill or paying for the one dish you ordered happens a lot when I eat out with my Asian (and non-Asian) friends here. Perhaps we’re assimilated into Western culture, perhaps we respect each other as equals, or perhaps it’s simply a personal choice based on the expensive life Down Under.

Still, the Asian in me fights to pay the bill time and time again, trying to “shout meals”. One weekday afternoon last year, in between out of a job and drafting my first book, I met up with vegan blogger Rebecca Rossi from Peace & Love & Veggies for the first time over lunch. Pushing my tray of pasta and cake to the cashier, I took out my wallet. Rebecca smiled warmly and said, “It’s taken care of.” My eyes bulged at her. But, but there was no need for that! I don’t deserve that…. Paying the bill is an act of selflessness, and as Greek philosopher Epictetus said:

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”

How we feel when someone pays for our meals depends on the occasion. It depends on where we are, who we’re with and how we feel about that person. When someone shouts us a meal, we might feel humbled, loved and thankful if we’re comfortable in their company. On the other hand, we could feel creeped out or suspicious if we didn’t enjoy their presence.

If we love a certain pizza, we might be hard pressed on sharing it. Just like if we eat out with those we love, we might insist on paying the bill.

If we love a certain pizza, we might be hard pressed on sharing it. Just like if we eat out with those we love, we might insist on paying the bill.

The other day I caught up with another blogger, Lisa from Lisa Dorenfest over dinner. We picked out our meals at a cosy eatery in the city and headed to the cashier. “Let me get it!” I said. You’ve traveled so far to Australia. “No! You don’t have to!” Lisa exclaimed, rummaging through her sling bag. I pulled out a fifty dollar note from my wallet and waved it in the cashier’s face. His eyes lit up. And so did Lisa’s. Maybe I’m turning into my parents with a bit of fight.

Sometimes we pay the bill because we can. Because we want to. And sometimes we simply want others to have a treat, a deserved treat. Paying the restaurant bill: it’s more than just a sport.

Do you fight to pay the bill when eating out?

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309 thoughts on “Dining Etiquette: Why Do Some Asians Fight To Pay The Bill?”

  2. I love this blog!! Thank you for the kind mention 🙂 I absolutely love shouting my dear friends but I was especially keen to pay the bill as you had come to my work to visit me. It was the least I could do! I understand what you mean though. Sometimes we feel honoured, other times we feel uncomfortable. I think it’s great to have an agreement where one pays one time and the other pays the next. That was something Francis and I came up with early in the day as I don’t believe men should have to pay for the women every single time. Now we share a bank account so it doesn’t matter who pays but having these sorts of agreements set up early on can really help a mind at ease. I like the history you included too about the Dynasties! Very well written and thought out ❤

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    • I am so glad that I got to meet such a lovely person. I was really stunned when you paid for lunch twice, and also stunned that you welcome Mr Wobbles. You have such a kind heart.

      It sounds like a rational arrangement you and Francis have, one that contributes to a balanced, healthy relationship where both people contribute 🙂 If one person pays all the time, the person who pays might feel financially taken advantage of or pressured. If we split the bill, there’s the sentiment ‘each to their own’. Fair enough and if it works for you two, it works ❤

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  4. I found myself doing this for my parents a few years ago. As they were fighting to pay the bill, they would hand me the money and send us off to pay. And ever since then, I’ve actually enjoyed being the one to pay and treating friends and family out to eat. Food is my gift (since I don’t like buying presents).

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    • That is sneaky of your parents. I am sure they “used” you to pay the bill for the best of intentions! Sounds like you pay for your friends and family out of the kindness of your own heart. Very kind of you. Food nourishes the body, so in a sense when you are treating someone to (good) food, you are giving them life. Personally, I prefer presents over food 😀

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  5. haha, i can certainly relate to them ‘allow me to pay’ scenarios you have described, quite humorous these ‘allow me to pay’ nego scenes without causing the other parties to lose face. at times, i up the game by having prior arrangement with the restaurant staff/’captain’ to only accept payment from me and no one else to beat the others to the game :). haha. nice post, mabel, thanks.
    ken

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  6. Hi Mabel. My family and I always fight to see who will pay the bill. I always want to but so does my dad. I give in to him as he wants to pay for his family. Three years in China taught me that you don’t fight with a Chinese person who so generously wants to pay for your meal. Love your post. (And ps just read a Woman’s Weekly article you were mentioned and photographed in) good views.

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    • Sounds like you have some skill there in paying the bill, Sue. But very nice of you to give in and let your dad pay. The older generation Chinese tend to show their love through providing for their family, as opposed to being affectionate or saying I love you at times. I have never ever fought with a generous Chinese person who wants to pay the bill. Maybe one day I will. It would be exciting, I think.

      Yes, I was given a tiny feature in the Women’s Weekly a couple of issues back. Thanks for checking it out 😀

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    • Good to know when you eat out, it is not a rowdy affair. It really is practical to split the bill if you eat out often, or else you will be burning a big whole in your pocket. I think the same can be said when you are traveling quite a bit. Food on the road isn’t always affordable.

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  9. Hi Mabel, Yes you have pointed out to a a stereotypical Asian habit of insisting on paying the bill. It may have originated from a sense of pride, one-upmanship , a gift giving habit, or a sense of duty. In India too when people are invited home, it is expected of the host to treat the guest. Nowadays when people get together in a hotel for a meal, they want to pick up the tab. I think its a sweet thing to do when you can afford to. 🙂 Thanks for elaborating on such cultural nuances.

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    • “a sense of duty” Love how you put it, Somali. Interesting to hear that it happens in India too – very generous of the host to treat the guest. I suppose the same goes for those visiting you from abroad, having travelled from afar.

      I am not a fan of eating at hotels because the meals served there tend to be expensive…and in those situations I’m happy for my companions to pay for me 😀

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  10. Wow! I never heard of this before. Now I know if I ever eat out with Asian people. I hope this isn’t a contact sport, just a verbal sport. In college my friend and I would take turns when we would eat out. One day I would pay and then the next time they would pay.

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    • It usually is just a verbal kind of sport. But there have been times where I’ve seen family members in restaurants – at the other tables – jostle each other to give their money or credit card to the cashier. It can be quite competitive, and more likely is one to come out the bill-payer winner if you haven’t had one too many drinks.

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  11. It is not just in Australia, the “splitting the bill” thing is also trendy among the younger Malaysian generation. When we are among peers and friends, we would never agree to someone footing the bill for us unless it is something pre-determined, like someone declares “I got a big promotion/I hit the lottery! My treat!”

    And you know what else is trendy in Malaysia? I don’t know if it is a case of the younger generation here nowadays becoming more miserly or we in fact have less spending power, most of us don’t really want to pay for people who are not so close to us. But we need to keep up with pretense. So it would be everyone shouting to pay but somehow everyone seems to be having an epic struggle to get their wallets out from their pockets/bags. In the end, the person who pays is the person who is less skillful in the art of feigning wallet taking obstruction. I am sometimes guilty of this too, and it is actually quite funny to watch from the outside. Everyone wants to be a glorified loser in the battle of winning the privilege to pay for all. 🙄

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    • I don’t know if you’ll be announcing that you one the lottery and treating others if the lottery is a huge sum of money…the person who treats the other to the meal might get take advantaged of.

      From your perspective, it seems that there is another argument to “trying to pay the bill”. Times could be better in Malaysia, no secret about that. Judging from your blog posts, it seems that eating out especially in Western restaurants in Malaysia doesn’t come cheap.

      Unless one holds a very high paying senior paying job in Malaysia, I don’t know how you can afford to shout people’s meals of that kind even on a weekly basis. Glorified loser? Sounds like most don’t mind that title. Because, well, free food 🙄

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  12. I’m American, so my experience before I met my Chinese husband was quite different. Boyfriends payed or people split the bill. I soon learned about the Asian habit of fighting for the bill or making arrangements before eating or on the way to the bathroom. My husband was good at it. I didn’t have to do anything. After he died, I had to try to grab a few bills. I’m not a good fighter, but my kids are. They learned all the tricks at an early age.

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    • I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband paid for most of your meals together back in the day. Some people can suddenly become very assertive and even come across as threatening when they are bent on paying the bill. Maybe even coming across as a whole other person. Your kids certainly are a very generous bunch.

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  13. I’d have to agree with your post. We dined with Basil’s colleague and her husband in Shanghai. And after dinner, they insisted on paying the bill. It was a really fancy place and they went out to ensure we had an authentic Chinese meal with large portions of everything. 🙂 That’s what made us feel all the more guilty.

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    • Very nice of Basil’s colleague and husband to pay for the dinner. Awww, you felt guilty! There really is nothing like a free meal, a meal paid for out of the kindness of someone’s heart. You and Basil must have felt obliged to finish everything, all the large portions 😀

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  14. I haven’t experienced the fight to pay a restaurant bill before. But from what I’ve heard and understand of the culture, it’s definitely a pride and status issue.

    I don’t eat out very often, but when I have done so with colleagues or a large group of friends we generally pay for ourselves or split evenly. That may be the ‘western convention’, it may also be for pragmatic simplicity. Among closer friends or family, we may choose to pay for all if it’s just a few of us. But in the latter case it’s always done with love, grace and generosity, not out of an ‘I’m better than you’ mentality, or with the expectation to be repaid in turn.

    I think the fighting to pay the bill attitude completely misses the point of the privilege of being generous. Sometimes it can also be a service to others to accept a paid (or home-cooked) meal in humility and thankfulness . Jesus spoke against ‘showmanship generosity’ with these words: “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full [accolades from fellow man]. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.” That is, if there is any ‘reward’ to be had for paying a restaurant bill, God will give it in his good time.

    (It is not my intention to offend with this quote, I’m simply sharing the mindset my family and friends have when it comes to paying the bill.)

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    • Eating out often can be hard on the wallet, at least in Australia. So it is practical to split the bill, each to their own. If one shouts their friends meals every other week here, either they are really generous or they have a fat pay packet.

      “the privilege of being generous…a service to others to accept a paid (or home-cooked) meal” I really like that train of thought. Thanks for sharing, and that quote is insightful. Perhaps some of us really do give out of the kindness of our hearts because it is our every intention to be kind. Money is never the issue; we shout a meal because we feel the need to.

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      • Yeah, eating out is expensive, that’s why I don’t do it often!

        Indeed! Another way to look at it: if it’s always the same person or family paying for the meal (whatever the motivations), how will the others have the opportunity to exercise the gift of generosity? Like what you seemed to allude to in your ending paragraphs, it’s about being kind and generous towards those close to you (and in some cases, if possible, even those who are not).

        I just noticed all the pictures are of pizzas… good choice! (Yummy!)

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        • To be completely honest, I have never been with a family or anyone who has always paid my meals (and my companions’). Maybe the person who always gets free meals might be the one giving the other rides home or somewhere. Or maybe in the form of small gifts like baked goods. I don’t know.

          I really wanted all the photos in this post to be of pizzas. I always hope my photos add meaning to my posts.

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  17. I certainly don’t fight to pay the bill when eating out. However for some time now it changed as I try always to pay when my parents are with us.
    In China it has been always crazy when it comes to paying. Sometimes it appears as if they go and kill each other soon 🙂

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    • Very nice of you to try to pay, Crazy. I suppose that makes up for all the meals your parents made for you as a kid. Now you are returning the favour.

      “appears as if they go and kill each other soon” You described it point blank and so clear. Maybe MIL is a bit like that 🙂

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        • I think so too that we should give our parents a meal treat every now and then. Then again, my parents prefer home-cooked meals these days and eating out is so expensive in Australia. For a fgood meal fit for a family of four, that could cost me a whole day’s worth of salary.

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  18. Haha. We met a Chinese couple in Ilulissat, Greenland last year and invited them out for dinner. It was also for research purposes. Because I was holding the conversation together, I asked my colleague to put it on our bill. However our guest jumped up immediately and was so ferocious with the credit card that my colleague, bewildered, had no idea what hit him and just let him pay. His first encounter with the Asian bill ritual 🙂

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    • That is such a funny story! It sounded like such a peaceful dinner until the end of it and the bill had to be paid. I often wonder if anyone fears the end of a meal out – it can certainly get rowdy and shouty. Your guest might have come across as very kind person to your colleague. From the sounds of it, your colleague wasn’t offended 😀

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  19. “Shout meals!” What a perfect phrase. That’s exactly how I feel when I’m out with my husband’s Chinese-American family. It’s such a loud, complicated battle.

    In my white American family, it’s also a battle, but it’s very quiet. It’s gotten to be such competition that in order to win, you have to get to the hostess when you arrive at the restaurant and hand her the credit card (also possibly threaten them with dismemberment if they let anyone else pay).

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    • I always thought “shout meals” was a phrase used all over the world? Maybe only in Australia. “loud, complicated battle” is such a perfect way to describe muscling one’s ways to grabbing the bill.

      Very sneaky to get ahead of the game by sorting the bill out with the restaurant before the meal starts. I am sure the restaurant usually doesn’t mind getting the money first. But I always wonder what do they think when their customers clamour to pay the bill.

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        • Come to think of it, I think I truly understand the meaning of “shout meals”. At first I thought it was a friendly way of saying, “Let me buy you a meal this time round”.

          Now, looking at the topic of this post, some of us do actually, literally, shout at the top of our lungs to pay the bill for a meal 😀

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  20. I used to try and pay the bill, so that I could feel like a bigshot.

    As I have grown older, I have mastered the move of being “slow on the wallet”. There is a trick to reaching for your wallet at just the right time and at just the right pace. This helps to induce the other person to come up with the idea that maybe they should pay.

    Other times, a dinner companion will offer to bay the bill, if I can “just leave the tip.”. Of course my stock answer is usually — “but I forgot my wallet…”
    : )

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    • “so that I could feel like a bigshot.” Love your honesty there, Denny 😀 I suppose the older we get, the more financially savvy we become and we are more inclined to save for the future.

      You have to share some tips as to how us stingy folk should take out our wallet. Slow, slow, slow… 😀

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  21. Mabel I had no idea about the Asian history of paying. Here in Canada we often offer but usually it is split. It is very common here for the waiter to offer to bring separate bills. The scene you describe of shouting and arguing over the bill is quite surprising to me.
    That’s great that you got together with other bloggers! I will be seeing Lisa in Sydney and of course hopefully you too. 🙂

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  23. I don’t get to eat with Chinese often at all, only when we go to Dallas. When we eat with my husband’s friends in Dallas, I told my hubby not to argue (I have very little patience for that) about the bills and let them pay if they want to. I normally send flowers to thank them. I know it’s a joy for my father to pay the meal, thus I let him pay. At work, we pay our own lunch, but pay each other birthday lunch. I have no idea they still fight to pay the meal…

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    • It is very gracious of you to accept a free meal without much fight. If you argue with a person about paying the bill, who knows if you might come across as aggressive.

      I’ve had friends treat me to birthday lunch and diinner before. But really, it is just food to me… 😀 Maybe you should eat at a Chinese restaurant frequented by many Chinese 😀

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      • I think it takes generosity to accept generosity, and there other ways to payback if you are uncomfortable with the offer. You’re right I may get to see in some of the traditional Chinese restaurants. 😀 Great foodie photos!

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        • “generosity to accept generosity,” So well said. Money can be a touchy subject, and so many of us don’t like talking about our financials.

          Go eat more Chinese, Amy. If you do, I hope it’s good Chinese food 🙂

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  24. In Indian culturemost and I mean 80% people try to let others give bill as much as possible! It’s bad for people like me who always end up paying.. lol totally opposite thing between our cultures! haha

    I love the delicious looking pizzas and it’s 1 am in the night here >.< *schedules a pizza for breakfast*

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    • Oh no! Sorry to hear that you are always the one paying! But you sound like a very kind person to pay for your friends’ meals. I hope they don’t take advantage of you and order a lot of food when they hang out with you 😀

      Yes! Pizza for breakfast is a great idea! I wanted to use pizza photos in this blog post, so I went out and ate pizzas last week 😀 I hope you get some pizza…

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      • haha I ate 3 pizza today and I am so full. Your pictures of pizza were wonderful.

        Well it’s been long that I haven’t been hanging out with those pals.. they are busy with their lives now.. lol

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        • Sounds like a great treat! The food course below my new work has decent pizza…looks like I’ll be getting pizza more and more 😀

          And you are busy with your life too and your blog! Looking forward to reading your next post 🙂

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  25. The fighting for the bill is a great source of fun and face-giving in China ~ but it use to really be a difficult time when I first started out doing business there as I would stop at 1 or 2 “no, no, no – let me pay”. These days, for business it is the grabbing of the check, arguing, getting up out of the chair, more grabbing of the check ~ and every-now-and-then I win and it makes the other side smile and feel good ~ not because they do not have to pay, but because the ‘game of respect’ was well paid. And boy, sometimes those bills are quite high 🙂

    Really enjoyed your photographs and descriptions throughout the post, they added a nice bit of humor and reflection to your writing. It is also always great to see a Khalil Gibran quote, and especially this one, “Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.” as it is so perfect for the subject of your post. Good timing too, as Chinese New Year is a time when the big meals arrive. Cheers and wish you a great coming weekend Mabel.

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    • ” it makes the other side smile and feel good…the ‘game of respect’ was well paid.” Perfect way to describe it when one gets to pay the bill. It is not about the battle, but it always about the heart and its intentions.

      Very generous of you to pay the bill; sounds like you have good skill there up against the persistent Chinese 😉 So many tricks up your sleeve in order to making it that far. Waving your money or card around out in the open helps too.

      Food photography really isn’t my forte. But it’s a great challenge. Never intended this post to coincide with the Chinese New Year. But now that you mention it, how apt. Hope you are doing well, Randall 🙂

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      • It is a funny, but very good game. Although, there have been a few times the next day where I’ve been stuck with a huge bill and realize, WOW that was a spendy dinner 🙂 It makes for a good story afterwards 🙂 Perfect timing for Lunar New Year ~ wishing you & Mr. Wobbles a great Year of the Monkey!

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        • You know, some of the most delirious and unforgettable moments happen in the dead and dark of the night. It is these moments when sometimes we throw our common sense out the window. I hope you managed to get over the bills and come away with bragging rights 😀

          Mr Wobbles is glad you thought of him. It is certainly his year, the Year of the Monkey.

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    • Lol! I never thought of the “growing up” argument, Sandy. Completely eclipsed my mind. If one person grabs the bill all the time, surely their wallets will run dry at some stage. In all honestly, I do think it’s wise when each of us take turns paying. It’s practical.

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  27. Your post is making me hungry with all those yummy pizza pictures. Thank you again for meeting up with me when I was in Melbourne and for treating me to dinner. I look forward to reciprocating soon. And I will watch you and Mr Wobbles closely to make sure you don’t pick up the check again.

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    • I was delighted to meet you and it was the highlight of my day. Glad you enjoyed the food; I never tried that place before. It was recommended by Rebecca who is also mentioned in this post 🙂

      Oh, you better watch out for that Mr Wobbles. He has long legs. He can run fast to get the cheque first. He has long arms. He can push money in front faster than most.

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  28. Haha..yes Mabel. I’m quite acquainted with this ‘gesture’ of fighting over for paying the bills. 😀 I didn’t know that this is prevalent in other Asian countries as well. Gosh, the thing sometimes becomes a nasty one, friends and relatives yelling at each other to show their generosity while other people in the restaurant are staring at them. 😛 And, the waiters are standing undecidedly.

    Enjoyed your pictures and write-up…a nice article and it reminded me of so many incidents… 😀

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    • I’m not surprised your parents clamoured to pay the bill. It’s just how some generations roll. Ooooh. That looks delicious. Foccacia dough. I’ve never heard of it and from the looks of your photos, I take that it is very delicous with the toppings on top. I have very high expectations 😀

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  30. this is a very interesting read. i learned so much about your culture, as far as dining out is concerned. what makes it even more interesting for me is that it’s the complete opposite of the filipino culture. most of the time, filos secretly hope that the other members of the group they’re dining with foots the bill. lol.

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    • I always thought this was also the case in Filipino culture…but now that you say it, maybe not 😀 What I do know from the few Filipino friends that I have is that they like cooking up big feasts at home and inviting a lot of people over! No fighting over the bill there. Just fighting over to get a seat at the table, haha.

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      • hahaha. true that! filos love home-cooked meals just as much as dining out (for free). in short, filos love to eat! it’s almost as if every special event revolves around food. and maybe a bit of videoke after. =D

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        • Good to know! All Asians love to eat in general, and it is not surprising for some to plan trips around food, food and more food. Hahaha, videoke. I am sure everyone chips in money for that if they do it at one of those karaoke pubs 😀

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          • you bet! a party isn’t an asian party without food. and i mean heaps of them. lol.

            as for videokes, why go to pubs when practically every asian household has them? us, included. hahaha. even though jeff and i don’t really use it that much. it’s more for the entertainment of our guests than for our own.

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            • Lol, I’m probably one of the Asians who don’t have a videoke at home 😀 My grandma’s house did, though, complete with many microphones! No one really fought over the microphones…were are all bad singers in my family 😀

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  31. What a lovely tradition Mabel and it does sound like fun at the end of the day. It was so interesting to read about it and as always I just love your photos. 😀

    I think it’s a lovely gesture and I agree. When you can afford to pay the bill, then do it. It’s a treat for yourself and the ones you are with. In our household my hubby ‘pays the bill’ and he does it with so much generosity and I love him for it. We don’t eat out as I am not one for lots of people around me, so we prefer doing it at home.

    Love the quotes as well, especially Khalil Gibran. Great post and thanks for sharing. ♥

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    • “fun at the end of the day” I do think that is the case if they meal was rather bland and boring. Paying the bill could be the highlight of it all 😀

      As the cliched saying goes, sharing is caring. Your husband does sound like the generous kind, and you are very lucky to have him. Eating out can be expensive, and I can understand why you’d eat at home. It’s also healthier too.

      As I mentioned to Lisa earlier, if you ever dine out with Mr Wobbles, he might very well get the bill for everyone. His long legs and arms do help a lot in him coming out victorious in this sport 😀

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      • LOL! In that case they shouldn’t even bother to pay the bill. Now a fight like that sounds interesting. 😀

        Yes, it is so. To share or give has its own rewards. He sure is and I am. 😀

        That is a fact and for the price they charge, I can make 3 meals at home and it’s true, it is healthier. 😀

        Oh, I bet he will. He is such a generous darling and I am sure no one will beat him to the till. haha!

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        • Now you raise an interesting point. If the food wasn’t all that good, should be even bother reaching for the bill? Of course, a meal out is not only about the food but also the company. Then again, it’s a very good point… Maybe if we don’t like the meal, we should ask the waiter or head chef for a discount. Hmmm.

          So true we can make more meals at home with what we pay for food at a restaurant. Also, home-cooked food can be tastier 😀

          Mr Wobbles is so pumped up by all the praise. He has his chest puffed out, (my) wallet at the ready. Cheeky thing.

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          • If I loved to eat out and the food was bad, I would definitely not go there again. I won’t put up a scene but will speak to the manager and owner and let them know my thoughts. I will let them know that I will pay the bill but they won’t see me again.

            Good company with good food is always a winner. Bad food with good company can be a comfort. Bad food with bad company is a no-go! 😆

            I do prefer my meals at home with a good movie or two. Especially if it’s sci-fi or a horror. 😀

            Awwww, he deserves all the praise he can get. He is such a cute little darling. Tell him the wallet is not necessary. This is my treat. 😀 ♥

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            • I am quite the opposite of you. Usually if I don’t like a meal, I’d never order from that place again. I’m happy to pay and walk straight out. Sometimes the food might be really bad, but perhaps it could be my tastebuds.

              Mr Wobbles insists. Cheeky thing waves my wallet frantically in your face 😀

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              • I won’t either but I will let them know why very politely. My tastebuds are very pick and choosy and if something doesn’t taste right, then it’s not right. 😀

                Please tell Mr Wobbles he should put your wallet away and he should watch out. He might just slap me accidently with that big wallet he’s got there. 😆

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                • Haha, I think I’m more of a fussy eater than you. If I don’t like a certain dish, I will eat it very, very slowly. And when it comes to paying the bill, I don’t mind paying it but I will take out my wallet very, very slowly 😀

                  Mr Wobbles might slap you with my wallet? I am not surprised. All part of his tactic to win the battle of the bill 😀

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                  • You think? If I don’t like a dish, I won’t eat it at all. For instance, I don’t like fruit cake at all and I don’t care who you are, I will say no if asked if I want a piece. Some people become quite affronted by me refusing it. Me, I don’t care. 😀

                    hahaha! If that was me, I will take it out very slowly as well, but before that they would have had a mouthful from me and that won’t be tasty. 😆

                    Bwhahahahah! I noticed! I had to duck a few times! A very good tactic of him. Please tell him he wins and I thank him for being so generous with your money! 😆

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  32. This post brings back memories of a life once lived.

    Paying for the bill in Turkey can involve a bit of an argument but it’s not done on an epic scale. Sometimes, your colleague may decide to pay for your tea or meal in a subtle way eg you can pay for my food next time (but there may not be a next time) or a negotiation may take place amongst the Turkish colleagues for the benefit of a foreign guest.

    Turkish hospitality comes in different levels as per my experience.

    On my recent holiday in Istanbul, the Turkish hospitality of having Turkish tea or apple tea (sweetened, apple flavour tea is sometimes given to foreigners) without any obligation to purchase varied from being just so to a bad taste in the mouth. On the other hand, one may be lucky enough to leave a high end shop with an expansive present (a tendency towards foreigners, perhaps in a bigger city/Istanbul?) but I declined it because I did not think it was right to accept it.

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    • It is so interesting to hear about the culture from where you’ve been, especially in Turkey. Not “an epic scale” – I love that phrase. So maybe paying the bill in Turkey is on a mediocre scale where there is less show, more civilised from the sounds of it.

      Very kind to hear that some of the locals to let you sample tea (and other nibbles I’m guessing) and if you like it, you can buy it. Sounds genuine. Generally I’d feel wary about accepting expensive gifts like the one you mentioned – sometimes a favour is expected in return.

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      • The food prices in Istanbul are generally on par with London. It’s possible to eat well in local eatery, tucked away in a side street (some Turks fear the unknown ie Istanbul is big, it’s dangerous, the homeless may murder me etc).

        I have not been invited to eat in a fancy restaurant, with prices to match in Istanbul. I am not sure if the host would foot the bill. However, image and saving face is a biggie in the Turkish culture and The Gulf.

        When tourists are given tea, it involves a round of (polite) conversations and they bring out the items they want you to see. An array of beautiful items would appear before your eyes but one would have be quick and point out you are not buying. Often, they will not let you off the hook. A little spoken Turkish and ‘is this a tourist price’ would come in useful to fend them off. Be prepare for remarks such as ‘you cannot be Australian/British etc because you look Indian etc

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        • That is intriguing to know that you can eat well and price-wise in moderation at local eateries. That would mean eating within your means. In Australia, this can still be hard on the wallet if done two or more times a week.

          Sounds like the salesmen/women over there are very persuasive. Every visitor to a shop is a chance they can make a sale, after all. I’m reminded of the phrase, “see no touch, touch no see”. Haggling could help bring down the tourist price 😀

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    • Sounds like everyone is civilised and polite from start to finish during each meal. Those “fights” can certainly get very loud in Chinese restaurants in Malaysia. Lots of jostling too. Haha, that is funny sketch 😀

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  34. It’s also normal to “fight over the bill” in my culture, Mabel, which has its roots in England and English South Africa. Sometimes, someone in the party quietly slips away and settles the bill at the till.

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  35. Well, I’ve never fought anyone to pay a bill – usually when I eat out with friends or family we split it; if some people have had dessert or expensive drinks they may put in a bit more. Paying for others seems like a nice thing to do, if you can afford it. I’ve occasionally done it (or been on the receiving end) but mostly for small things like a coffee or a cheap lunch, never a ten course banquet!

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    • You are very courteous, Maamej. Very civilised all round. Spot on. The key thing to remember in all of this is, “if you can afford it”. Sometimes when I eat out I make it a point to not order the most expensive thing on the menu no matter how much I want to have it.

      Like you, I’m always happy to pay for a catch-up over drinks. Don’t know about you, but I really never want the other person whom I’m buying a meal/drink for to feel that they have to repay the favour back. Though I must say, it is always a nice gesture if they do.

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  36. Hahahaha. Great post Mabel. I’ve had many fights over the bill. Too many to recount. Going to great lengths like paying for the bill before it is even presented (the ‘ol “I’m going to the bathroom” trick) and getting upset when the other side wins. My favorite was when I was w/ my then boyfriend’s parents. It was going NOWHERE, until his dad said, “Don’t make a scene.” and that broke the tension and the ice. I started laughing.

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  38. Great read Mabel, but after 10 years in Thailand going out with locals wasn’t so much fun as you are expected to pay every bill, you are the foreigner so you are rich in their eyes even if they have high paying jobs and bring all their friends you’ve never meet before lol
    Fighting only happens when out with other foreigners then you get chance to pay again lol
    Eating in became very popular 🙂

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    • That is such a good point, Adrian. Hope you didn’t get take advantage of too often in Thailand by the locals. Not every foreigner, expat or tourist is made of money. They bring all their friends you don’t know? It must be awfully surprising to you at first…and maybe still is.

      In your case, eating in will ensure a peaceful night ahead 🙂

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  40. After having been away from Indonesia for a while, I am aware that mainly Asians who do such thing. In Indonesia, usually the older or the one who have more money would pay the bills – if there are two or three people then the bill fights happen 😀 Great topic to raise, Mabel! Nowadays I am more than happy to share my bills 😀

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    • So it happens in Indonesia too! I suppose it is also practical sense for the older ones to pay for meals, but I hope they don’t get taken advantage of. Like you, these days I am all for sharing bills because food and cost of living in general don’t come cheap in the modern world. If we could all share, the world would be a better place 🙂

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  43. Hi Mabel,

    You have put across this Asian hospitality in a very interesting manner and after reading all the discussion, I am surprised at how many cultures follow this rule of footing the bill!
    In fact I had never heard of splitting the bill till I got acquainted with the American ways, which is quite convenient for youngsters who have a limited amount of money. Fighting for the bill only suits those who have enough to feed all though it is considered to be a duty in some cultures.
    it is understood that the eldest in the family would pay the bill. So many times nobody objects. Eagerness to pay can only be seen if the person happens to be the host or has invited his friends. Women are not expected to pay if men are in the group, that is Asian courtesy and a good one!! Lol!

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    • “Women are not expected to pay if men are in the group” A very insightful point, Balroop. Although we are now in a more liberal and modern world, this mentality still exists. It is still expected for men to pay the women’s food when they are going out, and even when they are married in Asian cultures. Perhaps it’s the patriarchal nature of our culture. Perhaps it’s what we are still used to and it’s a kind of courtship that some of us believe in.

      Splitting the bill is so common in the Western world. But it is also practical – each one pays for their own share of food and drink. Fair and square, pleasantries all round 🙂

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  44. For someone like me and my circle of friends who belong to the lower echelon of society, we don’t get to experience this. In our case, we always divide the bill so that everyone makes an equal contribution unless there was a prior agreement, which only happens when one of us is celebrating a birthday.

    Thank God I have pretty awesome friends who are very open about sharing the bill as early as possible.

    I’m on a hunt for a Chinese friend now, Mabel.

    😉

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  46. A very nice post, Mabel! What I love about you is how you write with equal ease on topics as diverse as favourite take away foods and creativity while exploring the influence of culture on them. I can relate to what you have written in this post, having seen a few ‘bill battles’ myself:)

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  48. I’ve certainly paid and had paid for me small outings like coffee but to pay for a whole meal for a table full of people is unknown to me. If we go out for a family dinner, generally everyone pays for what they ordered. If we’ve arranged the outing, we would probably pay for the drinks but no one would expect us to pay for the whole shebang. Such an interesting insight into another way of doing things. Thanks, Mabel.

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    • I think it is a civilised thing if everyone pays for what they ordered. That’s what you call fair and square. I suppose paying a meal for a whole family is beliveable. If I were eating with a group of people and half of them are my friends’ friends and I don’t know them, I would certainly hesitate to fork out for their meals.

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  49. Mabel, what a lovely post and so much insight with such lucidity…I just loved it.

    I can fully relate it, yes here in India we exactly do the way you have narrated. I think there are so many aspects to it, the primary one here we feel is that it is a honour and we feel happy to be able to be able to pay it. It has been a practice and a way of extending our gratitude and it has been taught by our elder and friendship and relationship are not always weighed by commercial attachment. We love the exchange of thoughts and emotions that we engage while eating and eating is the pretext but what we want to preserve is the essence of goof friendship…by being on this side, the side of paying make us feel good and we feel we have generated a goodwill, it is an asset and we love leverage it in long run…

    I love these quotes you have so generously put;
    “Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.”
    “Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”

    There are these smaller gestures and aspects of life that is so strange in some part of the world whereas in some other it is a routine and so much part of the culture…when we closely looked at these little things of life we get to know the finer nuances of our culture, our behavior and our philosophy towards life and living. As usual Mabel you keep your lens on such interesting facets of life, your posts makes me sit back and reflect, I am enjoying…

    By the way, you are not seen, did you go for a vacation?
    take care.
    😀

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    • “we feel is that it is a honour and we feel happy to be able to be able to pay it. ” That is such a nice way to put it. Giving from the heart when we can. It’s never about the money or pride for some of us, but the generosity of human nature that lies within us. Sometimes, grabbing the bill for company that we love is a natural thing to do.

      Agree with you that it is the small gestures that speak the loudest words. We might not remember everything that we said to someone, but we often remember what they did to us and how they made (make) us feel.

      A couple of weeks ago I was having trouble posting on your blog. Not sure why, probably my Internet connection. Also have been dealing with some personal issues. Hopefully all will be good soon. You take care too 😀

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      • These are small things in life and life becomes great when we start appreciating the smaller things in life. Just paying the bill, it looks so mechanical and obvious when we try to interpret it but there is something called as give and take in life, here we want to give and there is a bigger pleasure in giving rather than taking…everybody don’t have the opportunity to be able to give and share things in life with others.
        I am so happy Mabel that you look at such aspects and that reflects and talk so much about you as a person…it tells about your generosity and gratitude that is deep within you and it comes in the form of such stories and narration that matters to you.
        In case you find the problem pls let me know I will check at my end.

        I understand Mabel there are some problems that keep bothering us and I know you have the tenacity and the fortitude to overcome such issues in life and I’m proud to have a friend like you.

        Not to worry be happy…you too take care.
        😀

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        • “it looks so mechanical and obvious” So well put, Nihar. In life, there is certainly give and take. Paying the bill might be a chore to some of us because we can’t bear to part with our money. And so when someone steps in to give us a meal treat, we might feel a sense of gratitude which we may have never felt before.

          It isn’t easy writing about culture and picking out our daily habits. Some of these topics are incredibly touchy, and it’s hard to know if what I write will offend. But I try 😀

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